Completely (Un)Necessary
by Cassie Rose Taylor
Summary: "Why," he rasped, the words hard to form in his mouth, his voice like sandpaper against his throat. "Why won't you just let me... Let me die?" Ciel keeps hearing Angela's words in his head when he's alone; unnecessary, unwanted, unclean. He hates it, but can see only one way to stop it. Will Sebastian be able to reach him every time? Warning: Contains several suicide attempts


**Author's Note: Hello there :) I decided to try my hand at writing Black Butler fanfiction. Lets see how it goes! As always, let me know if anything is incorrect. Reviews are encouraged but never required ^.^**

**Warning: Contains mentions and details of several suicide attempts, so please don't read if that makes you uncomfortable. My apologies. **

_"Snuff out the unclean."_

Every once in a while Ciel would hear the angel's words. Either Angela or Ash's voice would echo inside the earl's mind, seeming to resonate through the Phantomhive Manor's newly reconstructed halls. Of course the boy knew that what he heard was only in his head (obviously, he wasn't an imbecile), but that never stopped him from whipping his head from side to side, or glancing behind him to search for the slightest hint of snow white wings. He never heard the words when he was in the presence of others, but these things rarely work out in that manner anyway. No, it only ever happened late at night, wandering the halls late at night in search of sweets, or the frequent occasions when he simply couldn't rest. He would hear the voice (or voices, as occasionally they merged to create one unholy sound), search for a sign of wings, then briskly walk to his study, or call to Sebastian.

The first time he heard it, he had been leaving his nightly bath. After the words had blasted themselves through his eardrums, he immediately retreated back into the bathroom, turning the water as hot as he could stand it, and scrubbing himself head to toe all over again, ignoring his butlers questions that came through the door. Upon leaving the tub and re-entering his room, skin still pink and raw from the vigorous wash down, the demon asked him, "was the bath I prepared for you not adequate, young Master?"

Not wanting to explain what had happened, but not knowing how else to respond, Ciel snapped, "no, it wasn't. Make the water hotter next time." As an afterthought, he added a nearly inaudible "please." Sebastian raised an eyebrow at the polite word, but did not react.

"Of course, my lord." Dimming the light on the bedside table, he said, "pleasant dreams, young master," as was their nightly routine. Ciel muttered a "good night," and all was quiet as the door silently shut.

_"Snuff out the unnecessary."_

It happened quite often after that when he was alone. But the young earl was a master at hiding his emotions, even at such a young age. He was able to conceal the fact that his heart was beating faster, and that he was scared out of his mind every time he heard the frightening voices. Other than his slightly elevated pulse and the flash of discomfort he felt each time it happened, he was able to ignore the voice and the things it said, for the most part.

But the last Phantomhive was only human, and even he could only take so much.

It was quite ridiculous when he thought back on it actually. Sebastian had been tidying up the study, Ciel drinking his Earl Grey, when he looked up from his tea and asked if there was anything particularly important that needed to be accomplished that day.

"No, sire," had been the butler's reply, small smile ever present on his face. "I'm afraid your time is free today. You're not needed for anything at the moment." Then he had turned and resumed his dusting, not noticing the peculiar expression on the boy's face.

_Not needed?_ He thought to himself, setting down his tea cup then twisting his ring around his finger. _Not... Needed. So then, not necessary_. Un-_necessary_.

_"Snuff out the unnecessary."_ The voice rushed through his head, and Ciel fought to keep his composure as his stomach tightened painfully. The voice was right, then. He wasn't needed; Sebastian himself had confirmed it. True, he had only said "for the moment," but how was the earl to know how long it would be before he was rarely ever called on? His mind muddled by confusion and bitterness, he thought he knew what he had to do.

He waited until his butler had left the room before rummaging around in his desk drawers, trying to find something sharp enough to accomplish the task he had in mind. Most of it was useless rubbish; pens, pencils, envelopes, old stationary, a letter opener-

The letter opener. Perfect. He pulled it out, examining the hilt, wondering why such items had to be so ridiculously embellished. Diamonds, _honestly_. He pushed all of his business papers to the side of his desk, before placing the sharpened end of the tool to the vein on his left wrist. He pushed down, only slightly; just enough for a small drop of blood to form. Ciel stared at it a moment, and had the brief thought that he wondered if this was what all unclean blood looked like. He pushed down just a bit harder, intent on pulling the makeshift blade diagonally across his wrist-

When it was promptly taken from his hands and replaced with a handkerchief. He made a slight sound of protest, head snapping up to see his butler frowning at him. "You really must be more careful with objects like this, young master. You could hurt yourself." Sebastian gave a small smile, then dropped the letter opener into his waistcoat pocket, never to be seen again. Ciel had been about to say something, for barging into the room or taking his letter opener, or something equally trivial, but then he saw the demons eyes flash red, and the words died on his tongue.

The wound was bandaged, and the pair of then never spoke of it again.

_"Snuff out the unwanted."_

Ciel Phantomhive was nothing if not stubborn and persistent. After his first failed attempt on his own life, he tried again, more than once, though the times were few and far between. And every time, regardless of the earl's location and business, his demon butler stopped him; his attempt would be unsuccessful, and Sebastian would make a snide remark, but they never talked about it.

Some attempts were more memorable than others.

There was the time that Ciel and his butler had been in London on an errand; a present for Lady Elizabeth's birthday. It had been storming quite hard; thunder and lightning flashed and roared through the sky, the rain falling in thick sheets, rippling the puddles on the sidewalks at an increasingly fast pace. Sebastian had gone inside a shop, to assess the quality of the products inside before allowing Ciel inside to make a purchase. The young earl had been hearing the angels words on repeat since he had been left alone half an hour before; _"unclean, unnecessary, unwanted."_ The voices in his mind and the noises of the busy London streets were making his head hurt, and he was starting to cramp up waiting for Sebastian, so he decided to go for a walk.

As soon as he had left the safety of the overhang by the shop, Ciel was soaked nearly to the bone. But he didn't feel like waiting for his butler any longer, so he didn't slow, and he was thankful for the thunder, as it drowned out the harsh words in his head. He wandered for what seemed like a long time, winding down the twisting streets, watching others run to escape the rain, hearing snippets of happy chatter coming from inside an assortment of buildings. More than once he was struck with the thought that Sebastian was an idiot to bring them here in this weather, but the fact that his mind was silenced of the angel made it hard to hold onto any resentment he felt towards the demon. He had just reached the bridge over the Thames when he wondered if Sebastian was looking for him, jumping up and sitting on the railing, looking out over the river as he thought.

Sebastian hadn't come for him yet, but that didn't mean he wasn't looking. _Well actually_, his thoughts interjected, _if he were looking he'd have found you by now. He's a demon, after all, finding one boy in London would hardly prove a challenge. Unless he didn't _want _to find you_. The thought made Ciel uneasy, and he resolved to wait a bit longer before calling to his butler. He remained seated on the stone railing, watching the water try to disrupt the Thames flow and failing. The water from both above him and below him roared in his ears, and he sat there for what seemed like an eternity.

When the barely visible rays of sunshine began to disappear over the horizon, Ciel sighed. Once again, the angel was correct. It seemed like hours had passed, and Sebastian hadn't come, nor had anybody stopped to ask if the young boy was lost or needed help. He'd have been outraged if they had, of course, because he was an Earl and the idea of him needing help was ridiculous, but it was the thought that counted after all. However, no one had spared him a second glance, more concerned with getting themselves out of the rain than the small figure perched precariously over the Thames. He supposed he understood though; he wouldn't want to waste time that could be spent getting dry on the unnoticed, _unnecessary_ person who now sat on the railing. He could understand.

He had no sooner carefully stood up and looked past his feet than they were swept out from beneath him. He closed his eyes tightly, not wanting to see the dark rushing as it came closer to him, but he didn't hear the sound of the water coming up to meet him. Instead, when he opened them, he saw his butler's red eyes staring down at him, the smile that seemed to constantly be on his face missing. "You really should be careful on a slippery bridge in this weather, young master," he whispered, just hardly audible over the rain. "You could catch your death out here." Then leaning slightly closer to the boys ear, he whispered, "is it something you'd like to talk about?"

"No," Ciel barked, pushing himself down and out of the demon's arms, glaring at him from a few steps away. "I don't want to talk about it, it's nothing, so drop it." When Sebastian opened his mouth once more, Ciel said, "Sebastian. I order you, let the subject drop."

His face tensed, but he responded "of course, young master." And the matter was dropped.

_"Snuff it out!"_

This was the last time Ciel was going to try. If he failed, if Sebastian saved him once more, then he would simply live with the angels voice in his head for the rest of his miserable life. He'd hate it, of course, but trying to end his life had proved so far to be highly unlikely, and he was sick of Sebastian's comments. So if it didn't work now, he'd never try again.

Making sure his bedroom door was locked, as well as the windows, he pulled a chair close to his bed, so that it was close to the canopy bed's overhang. Standing on the chair, he threw his makeshift noose over the sturdy metal, frowning when he missed and trying again several times. Finally, he managed to get the loop across, and secured the other end as well as he could. He knew his hangman's knot was a bit loose, but that was alright.

He stood up on his chair, a scowl marring his features because he couldn't quite stretch his neck far enough to reach the noose that dangled by his head. He stood on the foot board of his bed, finally able to comfortably reach the loop and let it circle his neck. He breathed deeply, just now noticing how sweet the air in the room was, and wanting to take in as much of it as possible before the rope made it impossible. He could still hear the angel chanting in his head, as he braced himself for the jolt of pain he knew would come before it ended.

_"Snuff it out, snuff it out, yes Ciel, end it!"_

He took one final breath, holding it deeply in his lungs, before allowing his feet to fall of the end of the bed-

But instead of the flash of pain and then nothingness he expected, Ciel felt the cool wood of the chair under the very tips of his toes, and the rope cutting into the sensitive skin on his neck.

His size made it impossible to accomplish anything but a slow and painful suffocation; he was too tall to dangle and end it quickly like he had planned, but at the same time he was too short to place his feet flat on the chair and remove the noose and try again. _No, _he thought in a panic, hands flying up to his neck in an attempt to loosen the loop that was slowly cutting off his airflow. _No no nonono its not supposed to be like this, this isn't how it was supposed to go._

The lack of oxygen to his head was muddling his thoughts, and tears rose unbidden to his eyes, blurring his vision and making him unable to see the room around him. _I don't want to die,_ he thought suddenly, as the edges of his sight started to go black. _Not like this not like this. _He distantly thought he heard a door bursting open, someone calling his name, but it drowned out by the pounding in his ears, and the angel's voice roaring in his mind, _"unnecessary unwanted unclean." _It was suddenly so much harder to breathe, to draw air into his lungs, and he wished that he had thought to spend a little longer letting the night air swirl in his lungs; the same ones that now felt like they were going to burst, to explode in his chest at the same time as his wildly beating heart-

The tension around his neck finally faded, the pain lifted, and Ciel was dead.

At least, he thought he was dead at first. He hadn't quite caught up to the fact that he was drawing air into his deprived lungs, great gasping breaths that filled the organs fuller than they had ever been before, and never before had he so greatly appreciated oxygen. His eyes were still full of tears, and he could hardly see, but the shape of the face in front of him was impossible to mistake. He couldn't hear the words that Sebastian was whispering to him as the demon ran cool fingers over his neck while he laid on the bed, but in that moment all he cared about was making up for all the intakes of breath he had missed out on while he was hanging. He couldn't stop coughing, and his throat felt sore and raw, as though he'd been screaming for hours.

Finally his head cleared enough for him to understand the words his butler was saying; "it's alright now, master, everything will be alright. I've got you, you're safe, don't worry." But Ciel didn't want his pity, didn't want his worrying hands on his neck checking for bruises, and especially didn't want to hear that he was safe, because he didn't _want_ to be safe. He wanted the voices in his head to shut up, and the only way to do that was to end his life.

He placed his small hands on the the demons chest, and pushed him as hard as he could. However, seeing as Ciel was only a boy, and Sebastian a full grown demon, shoving did nothing but push him off the bed, away from the man with a startled expression now taking over his face. The earl landed hard on his side, squinting his sore eyes at his butler and coughing hard. "Why," he rasped, the words hard to form in his mouth, his voice like sandpaper against his throat. "Why won't you just let me... Let me die?" He hated how weak and hoarse he sounded, hated the look Sebastian was giving him, hated himself for failing _again..._

The butler removed himself from the bed, long limbs folding in front of Ciel on the floor, kneeling next to his master and placing his face next to the boy. "Because," he said simply, "you are my master, and your safety and your life are my first priority. _Always."_ His eyes flashed red, but instead of being frightened into silence, the young Phantomhive scoffed.

"This is still about my soul, isn't it?" He sat up and coughed hard, tasting something foul in the back of his throat (_probably blood, _he thought),and stared at the man across from him. "I don't care anymore. How many times do I have to tell you, _I don't want it._ You can have my soul, take it take all of it, all of me, just please, _please-"_ he broke off, unable to continue, more coughs wracking his body as he spit out the smallest bit of blood. He shook violently, sinking down onto his side and wrapping his arms around his knees. "_Just make it stop,"_ he whispered, never looking more like a small child than he did then.

"Make what stop, my lord?" The butler was again running his hands over the boy, checking for signs of a concussion or permanent damage. "What is happening?"

"The voices," he said, "the angel. I can hear them in my head, and its always the same, 'unclean, unwanted, unnecessary,' over and over and I just-" the earl's voice broke as fresh tears poured out of his eyes, one blue and one violet. "I just couldn't do it anymore, Sebastian. I can't." He closed his eyes. "I don't suppose I could order you to let me end my life?"

"No," the demon said without hesitation. "You can't. It would break our contract, because I would either have to disobey you or allow you to die, and I can do neither."

"It was worth a shot," Ciel mumbled into the carpet. "Why do you even want my stupid soul?"

Sebastian shook his head. "I can't tell you, as I've told you several times before."

"But _why mine?" _The boy demanded, sitting up and letting his eyes lock with the red ones across from him. "Why me? I'm not special. My soul isn't special." He shook his head, voice growing quieter with every word. "There are hundreds of other out there, and you don't need me. The angel was right." His next words were a whisper. "I'm completely unnecessary."

Sebastian rose to a half kneel, scooping the boy up into his arms as if he weighed nothing. Ciel gave a cry of outrage, made difficult by his sore throat, but the butler ignored him, dropping him onto the stool in front of the mirror. "Look here," he said, pointing to the reflective glass, and he gave the child a moment to look at himself after his latest endeavor.

Ciel Phantomhive looked in the mirror for the first time in weeks, and was shocked by what he saw.

The first thing he noticed was his tear-stained cheeks and the angry rope burns around his throat. They reminded him of the brand on his torso, and he felt himself running his fingers over the slightly raised red marks. His fingernails were bloody, from tearing at the noose that had been around his neck, and there was also a spot of blood by his mouth from when he had coughed it up before. His mismatched eyes were sunken, dark circles underneath them that clearly told anybody that looked at him that he hadn't slept properly in ages. He held his breath, and wanted the mirror in front of him to shatter, because he hated looking at this pathetic thing that he had become.

He almost thought the mirror had exploded into a million pieces when a loud bang shook him from his thought, but it was only Sebastian's fist on the vanity counter. "This is why," he said tensely, gently pushing Ciel's hair back farther so that his marked eye was fully visible. "This is what makes you special. Even if I never get your soul. As long as you wear this mark, _my mark,_ I will protect you. As long as you wear my mark, you are my master, and I will do everything in my power to preserve your life, not just your soul, because as long as that mark is there, I am yours." He paused in his speech, finally allowing a familiar smile to grace his features. "Besides. If I didn't have a master to serve... what kind of butler would I be?" When the boy remained silent, he continued. "So know this, my young Lord Phantomhive- As long as you wear my mark, you are _completely _necessary to me."

Ciel watched his reflection in the mirror, himself seated and his butler behind him, and allowed the words to wash over him. _Necessary..._ It was new. Such a nice change from the voices in his head that had screamed at him so frequently. Sebastian needed him, if nothing else. Perhaps, for the time being, that would be enough.

_No, _whispered Angela's coo in his ear, followed closely by Ash. _Unnecessary, he doesn't need you, you're unwanted, unclean, unnecessary. We _will _snuff out the unworthy. _But for the first time ever, Ciel was able to silence the unholy voices in his mind. _He does need me. So _shut up.

He have a small nod to his butler. "Very well," he huffed, trying to seem exasperated but probably sounding as weak as he felt. "You will assist me to bed, and come morning you will help me cover up these god awful marks." He saw the demons eyes blink red for a moment, before they returned to normal and his butler smiled.

"Of course, my lord," he replied smoothly, quickly and efficiently settling into the routine they had spent so many years perfecting. Soon enough, Ciel was in his bed clothes, Sebastian holding a candle by his bedside.

"I trust you will tell no one of this," the earl said, staring his butler in the face. The man nodded. "Very well. Good night, Sebastian."

He bowed one last time. "Pleasant dreams, young master." He stopped once at the door when he heard the small voice call out to him.

"Thank you, Sebastian."

"No need to thank me, sir," he said back, silhouetted against the now bright door frame. "You see, I am simply one hell of a butler." And with those parting words, he quietly shut the door to the boy's room, allowing darkness to envelope him and cast him into dreams where he was no longer tormented by an angel's twisted words.


End file.
